Compensation is the opposite of jealousy. It’s to experience positive emotions (joy, peacefulness, excitement, a sense of alignment) for the happiness that our partners experience in their other relationships.
My fascination with compersion and jealousy began 5 years ago, when my husband and I fell in love with my best friend. We had no idea how to deal with this kind of situation, neither did we know anyone around us who had been in a triad. We didn’t even know it was called polyamory. But we weren’t the type to shy away from a challenge simply because it was going to be weird or complicated. We only hoped that this experiment in multiple loves would not result in the end our marriage or our friendship. This relationship has been beautiful and and incredible occasion for growth. Surprisingly, in just over a year that lasted our triad, I felt jealous only twice: Once at the beginning and once at the end. The rest of the time, I naturally experienced compersion, without even being told that it was a possible or desirable sentiment. I was just happy to see my husband in love with another woman; I found that very touching. And I was happy to see our lover thrive in this love.
It was only when my husband and I decided to have partners separately that jealousy suddenly became a problem. If it had been easy to feel compersion for my husband – especially because I had a strong sense of security in our relationship – I found it extremely difficult to feel the same for my new partners. My worst fit of jealousy ended in the psychiatric emergency; I was in such a state of distress that I was struggling with suicidal thoughts and realized I needed help. If you thought I wrote about compersion because I’m immune to jealousy, think again!
I was therefore very intrigued by the fact that sometimes compersion came to me naturally, while at other times I was jealous to the point of altering my sanity. I had to understand what made the difference between my moments of jealousy and and my moments of compersion. After all, I was the same person! Why could not I feel compersion all the time? Or why was not I jealous all the time, for that matter? I had to elucidate this paradox!
After much research, soul searching and interviewing polyamorous from different places around the globe, I have come to the conclusion that compersion is within the reach of all polyamorist! But feeling joy and happiness about the love relationships of our partners doesn’t happen by chance or without effort. My hypothesis: Each polyamorous has specific needs of their own which, once filled, allow them to experience compersion.
In my book, I invite you to discover what are those essential needs of yours. Moreover, I address the essential question of how you can support your partners and metamours in their own journey towards this liberating feeling of compersion. Finally, I evoke the state of mind you need to cultivate if you wish to develop a lasting sense of compersion in your life.